Naked Movie Sex Girl

Sweet Home Illinois

“Naked Movie Sex Girl”

All I can say is that I’ve never actually met anyone in person that I’ve seen previously in a movie having naked movie sex…until today. I walk into Grossman and Jack, my agent in Chicago at the time, for some voice auditions and there sits the older brother from Blossom! His real name is Mike Stoyanov and he couldn’t be cooler. We actually knew each other from LA. We sat at the same table at the IMPROV on Melrose for a Drew Carey Whose Line show with my wife and his girlfriend and had a great time that night. So this was more of a reunion than anything. He’s been a comedy writer since Blossom on stuff for MAD TV etc. so hes very witty and fun and he really is down to earth. He’s from Chicago and so he comes back for the summer like me to get away from the LA thing.

So were shooting the breeze trying to crack each other up and this blonde girl with her hat pulled down low and her head buried in some copy perks up when she hears I’m with ICM for voice in LA. She does the typical “LA trying to establish yourself as with the in crowd” thing and informs me that she’s with William Morris for voice. Woopdy freakin’ do…my subtext…didn’t actually say that. So now she’s a part of the conversation and she’s asking Mike questions about on camera stuff and I’m chiming in here and there and finally she just can’t contain herself and she says “I’m really proud of a film I was just in called Jarhead.” We both, of course, knew the film and did our best to act impressed. She waited a beat for the question. “What part did you play?” “Well, there were only three women in the whole film so guess,” she says back.

So I’m thinking about the film and there are two scenes that stick out to me…being the disgusting man that I am…and they both involve sex. The first is the girlfriend who would be considered the female lead if there were one. You see her throughout the film in flashbacks and one of the scene’s is Jake Gyllenhaal holding her up like a bar bell and going to town on her in there college dorm room.

“Were you the girlfriend?” “No, I wish. Guess again.” So Im thinking and the only other memorable female scene in the whole film hits me like a brick falling from a two story ledge. Am I looking at the girl who took it up the rear porno style in Jarhead. She could tell by the look on my face that I had figured it out. “Oh my gosh, were you in the sex video!?!” “YEAH,” she said with a beaming smile as if I was supposed to ask for her autograph or something. I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that I was face to face with a woman who I hardly knew, but I had seen her having fake naked movie sex in some random WAR movie where I didn’t expect any sex scenes at all when I watched it with Donny in my brothers basement one random night several months back.

She couldn’t have been prouder of playing this part in this major film. So once I came out of the awkward shock of meeting someone who had done this thing in front of a camera I, of course, had to ask her about it. “Why did you do that?” I couldn’t believe I had just asked that in the tone of voice that I did…it just came out! “What do you mean, why? Sam Mendes directed it! Im OK with the whole nudity thing.” “Yeah,” I said, “but this isnt just dropping your top for the sake of art, this was naked up the butt porno sex,” I said. “So, you’re acting as if I should be ashamed or something!?! I mean the guy was totally gay and didn’t even have an erection. He kept talking about his boyfriend.” Wow.

At this point I had to check myself because I wasn’t in a setting with a bunch of people who knew me. I realized I was coming down a little hard on her and that wasn’t really my place. So I moved on to my next question. “So, did you put that scene on your demo reel?” “YEAH, it’s the first scene on there,” she said, again beaming with pride. “YOU PUT IT ON YOUR DEMO REEL! Aren’t you afraid that people might get the wrong idea about the kind of parts you are willing to play?” “No,” she said, “I have actually been getting parts like that a lot lately. I don’t know why.” BECAUSE YOU PUT IT AS THE FIRST FREAKIN’ SCENE ON YOUR DEMO REEL, THATS WHY!…inner dialogue…I didn’t actually say that. I finally realized that if I kept going she was only going to turn vicious and defensive and we don’t want a vicious and defensive porn star going crazy in the lobby at the agency.

So the question is if she is willing to do that in a film what would she be willing to do in real life and how did she get to the place where she felt OK with all that and who is her mother and how am I ever going to think of her normally if I see her again in the lobby and how the hell did we get on the subject of this girl and her movie sex scene anyway?